I am an alcoholic and my name is Ray. I say this because I must always remember what I am before I say who I am. "What is AA" tells me that when I share my story I am to tell in a general way what it was like, what happened and what it is like today. I first tasted beer at my cousin's place when I was about nine or ten years of age. I thought that was great that he would give me a beer. A neighbor near our home made dandelion wine and he gave me a glass of it and was it ever strong. I still was about that age of ten. Alcohol was not used around our home mainly because my uncle, my father's brother, lived near our home and he lost his farm because of alcohol. His wife was my mother's sister and she would come to our home many times crying because of what was going on in their home. I think this was why mother did not want it around our home.
Going through public school then high school I rarely drank alcohol except if someone had some liquor which he would share when we attended church dances When I finished high school, I decided to study to become a priest. After a year and half there I came down with tubercular pneumonia and was sent to the hospital in Gravenhurst Ontario for two and a half years. In my second year we would make leather goods and sell them and with the money we would buy a bottle of booze and have a party. That I loved to be with the drinking crowd.
Leaving there I decided not to return to the seminary and later had a job at General Electric – five pm to one thirty in the morning. With money of my own I would attend parties, invited or not invited, I enjoyed dropping in to the local hotels because that where the action took place. When the girl I was dating decided to call it quits I later drank a lot and I was driving my father's car out in the country some place and ended up in a farmer's barnyard and I did not know where I was and the farmer gave directions so that I could find my way home In September of 1978 I decided to return to the Seminary and was ordained a priest in 1964. My drinking was very limited as I did not have the money to do so. When I was given my first assignment at the south end of the city I decided to stock my "bar -- the clothes closet" with my booze to have ready whenever I would have visitors which was very rare -- the visitor was me.
I soon found places in the parish that would offer me a drink or more. Many times consuming more than I should. I would visit a drinking friend’s home in Norwood and one time returning from
there at night and I was stopped by the OPP. I forgot to dim my headlights when I met him. He knew I was drinking and he found the half bottle still in the brown paper bag under the seat on which I was sitting. He emptied the bottle and after telling him that I was a priest he said what would your Bishop think of you acting in this manner. He let me go on my way and I thought I must be more careful the next time but I forgot about that when I drank and drove the car many times later.
I was transferred to Bowmanville parish in 1973 and within the first couple of weeks I visited many of the drinking establishments to satisfy my own desires and not to conduct a parish census.
It was not very long until I found the neighbor across the street enjoyed a good drink of rye when he came home from work each day and I visited him a few times each week to share his bottle. It was at this time also that the parish had a dance each month in the parish hall. The liquor salesman would replenish the liquor required for the next dance. After the dance was over the person in charge of the bar would remove the booze from the parish hall and store it in a locked room in the basement of the house. Ray had access to this room and I would help myself to the supplies if my own supply was running short which was often.
Many times I would take a buck or two from the church offerings in order to purchase liquor to feed my habit. At this time I was also starting to neglect my morning meditation very often as
well as omitting personal prayer and the prayers I was required to pray as a priest. I would not put much effort in preparing myself to preach on a Sunday when it was my turn to do so. I was becoming more interested in fulfilling my own wants rather than carrying out my duties. In June of 1973, I was transferred to the parish in the north end of the city. This was a very large
parish and many programs were taking place. I found it very difficult to fit in as I was starting to withdraw from people, unknown fears were creeping in, my own self image was very low and
I tried to avoid responsibility whenever I could. My consumption of booze was increasing to the point where it was becoming evident to my pastor that I was having problems with drinking.
One day he asked me if I could stop after taking one drink and of course I said yes (lie). You see I would see my bottle as being half empty rather than half full. The fear of running out of booze became a problem. At this time I was becoming unable to make a good decision for myself. In late 1974 I started the alcoholic tremors. This became a great problem when I had to give communion to people who wished to receive on the tongue because my hands were shaking (alcoholic tremors) Unknown fears became a real problem. I would even place a piece of furniture against my bedroom door at night before retiring. Night sweats were a problem. I would take a shower and afterward I still could smell a foul body odor. Alcohol was not giving me a high any more only making me feel more depressed. The pastor asked me if I would go to Southdown located north of Toronto. Clergy of many denominations would go there for help. I said I’d go as I wanted to escape from Peterborough. I did not think I had any problem with alcohol and his suggestion appealed to me. In other words I just wanted to run away, leave this city which I thought was my problem, leave being a priest look for new horizons. The Bishop of Peterborough had to give his consent for me to go to Southdown. At this time my sickness caused me to dislike him (spiritual authority figure) January 6th 1975 I arrived at Southdown and I felt safe there for some reason. I had my last drink of alcohol there on January 31st. I would take part in the various programs there – still in denial. Finally after one of our sessions I was in the coffee and smoking room when I started to listen to some of the others describe how they felt after heavy drinking for example unknown fears, loneliness, guilt, remorse, shame etc. It was then that I admitted that maybe I do have a problem with alcohol. Pride was still preventing me from fully admitting my problem but gradually as I continued to listen and Identify with others with similar problems then I was able to call myself an alcoholic. While here a Jesuit priest helped me to re-kindle my spiritual life.
After two and one half months there I returned to Peterborough and the parish I was in before I went to Southdown. I now had a different attitude and now I wanted to be there, carry out my
responsibilities and was happy to do my work. Before returning back to Peterborough I was advised to attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was also given a name of a person to contact, namely, Charlie W .who later became my sponsor in the AA fellowship. With God’s help and the help I receive from Alcoholics Anonymous I thank God that I am a priest because this fellowship has opened up an important ministry to me, one that enriches my spirituality and I am able to share mine with others. I was asked to take charge as pastor of three different parishes which I would not have been able to do before. AA helps me to have more confidence in myself. It helps to build up my self esteem and face challenges that I ran away from when I was boozing.
As I progressed through the twelve steps my Mother’s words came back to haunt me when I came to step nine –“made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others” One day during my drinking days my Mother said to me, “Ray, I am not hearing very good things about you -- for example hotels are no place in which a priest should be drinking. In my immature way I thought who told her. Mom passed away in 1971 and I got sober in 1975 and so I was able to make spiritual amends to her by asking in prayer “ Mom forgive for the hurts I have caused you” Immediately that guilt left me and has never to this day returned to haunt me. I truly believe the importance of prayer today Another example of amends is that I have tried to give to charity what I stole from the church in the past. AA also helps me carry out my duties in a more meaningful way than I did when I was drinking. I sponsor a few AA men and over the years many have asked me to listen to their fifth step - (“admitting to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs”)
Today I try to carry out what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous asks me to do - I ask for God’s help each morning that I recognize and accept that I cannot take a drink safely today and
also that I recognize and accept his will for me today. I take time for meditation each day. I have had many spiritual experiences during my sober years. The first one has made a lasting
memory for me - Shortly after I returned from Southdown I went to my sister’s and brother in law’s cottage, stayed overnight and in the morning went out with my coffee and sat down and
looked on the lake. All of a sudden I started to see things, hear sounds, feel things, smell things etc. that I never felt before experienced in my life. A truly spiritual experience that I will never forget These and many more other experiences have enriched my spiritual life.
One of the promises in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says “ We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” This promise came true when I was asked by the Bishop to be pastor of one of the largest parishes in the city. Before I agreed to do so I said to him that if a situation came up in the parish that needed my attention while at the same
time I needed to get help for myself at an AA meeting, I would go to the AA meeting first and then attend to the matter in the parish. The Bishop agreed to my request and I eventually
became the pastor of that particular parish. During my time as pastor there, I never once had to make that decision while at that parish or any other parish. God works in mysterious ways.
In 1980 I became pastor of another parish for six years and then transferred to my last parish before I retired which was the end of June 2001. During my sober years this “insecure boy” became more responsible to himself, to his vocation and to society thanks to God, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and to the many people in the program who have helped me. As a priest, Alcoholics Anonymous has opened up another ministry for me one in which I benefit from the program while at the same time I can minister to AA people. This sober alcoholic can never give back what I have so freely been given in and through this Alcoholics Anonymous God given program.
APPENDIX:
There are several other experiences I have had in my earlier years and during my drinking days which I have shared with my sponsor and/or spiritual advisor .